were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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