My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
