OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
