The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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