I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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