And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
