So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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