Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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