ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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