he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize