Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
