I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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