They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
