Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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