the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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