I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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