Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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