they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just cropdusted the office
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
