I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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