Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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