I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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