He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Enjoy the penises
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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