Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just blew my weed a kiss
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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