theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
