I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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