So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
