The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
