i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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