I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
