I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I supernannyed him into submission
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
