I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
