Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
