good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
