i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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