If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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