also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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