So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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