My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
