I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I believe in your delicious
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
