So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
