The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
