kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I am one with the molecules
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
