My room smells like vodka and shame
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
