I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
