i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
