just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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