i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
even my farts smell like vagina
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
