Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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