I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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