If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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