at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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