I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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