Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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