we're chasing vodka with high fives
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
