it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
