Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize