he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
