I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
